GC and I are dancing, smiling, emanating joy. This picture is the reason I'm starting this blog. It captures the essence of what I want my life to consist of moving forward, living in the moment, without a thought given to what those around me might be thinking of my spins and twirls. I was dancing in GC's arms, complete in my love for him. I remember the feel of his jacket, the scent of his cologne, the touch of his face against my own, and the sound of his laugh as we bumbled our way through barely rehearsed steps. At this moment, my heart was as full as it's ever been, and my soul greatly lightened by my lack of self-conscious awareness.
Documenting my life through a blog is not new to me, I've blogged off and on for the past 5 years. The act has been a release in times of blight and bliss, a place to come home to when the need to contemplate and process lay firmly on my heart. That said however, those efforts were at times forced and overshadowed by my need to impress you, my readers with flowery language, insightful commentary, or veiled versions of life events.
That chronicle was not without some honesty, in fact I tried to be honest most of the time. The problem existed in the motivation. I was trying to be something I can't, even now, quite articulate as one thing except to say I was attempting to be the version of Trina each of you wanted to see, a cammeleon morphing into what I viewed as the desired characterization.
If you know me personally, many aside from my family, might say, "really? I never saw that" but that's because it has become so second nature, I barely notice it myself. That is, until I start to feel that ever-familiar sense of lost identity, a soul floating aimlessly on a sea of external expectations. It's not a great place to find oneself.
This NEW! space however, will reflect a mindset I hope to foster as I step into a new phase of my life. I want to remove the tethers I've place on myself in an effort to be what I think everyone else wants me to be (self-imposed pressure, by the way), and instead, start making decisions based on what makes me happy.
I'm not an island, and generally speaking I'm not selfish so I don't think I'll tumble down a path of completely self-serving life choices, but I won't continue to say yes when my soul is saying no. My efforts will focus on choices that develop a positive sense of self based on the unique life journey I am meant to take. I may be good at a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I want or need to do them.
Building is what this space is about. I'm building my dreams, my life. Starting today, I will recognizing that I am worth it, that I deserve to feel good about who I am, that "no I won't do that" doesn't make me a bad person. In moments of struggle, instead of feeding my sense of self doubt, I'll remember all that I can and have accomplished, centering myself by focusing on the positive things I bring to this world.
I hope this space can be enjoyed by others, but mostly, this one is for me. It will be an added challenge to release this to friends and family. It is you whom I have striven most to please. But even to you, I say, "This one's for me, to teach my heart to love first itself."
