Been planning it for a while now; going here this weekend; camping with a great friend; practicing yoga with some of the best instructors in the country/world; meeting up with lots of friends and GC; hanging out around a fire; getting my Zen on; listening to this guy speak; listening to this guy sing; Yeah, it's going to be a good weekend!
And because it's happy, and has lots of cute, smiling boys, a video. Thanks seester.
HAIRCUT from MAMMOTH on Vimeo.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I've got the POWER!
Have any of you ever had one of those moments where you look back on where you've been, what you've done, things you've said, and think to yourself, "Golly, I do ok don't I?" I just had a moment like that.
Digging through the depths of my email (god bless gmail and its "forever" archive), I found an old blog post I wrote about getting a compliment, a compliment mind you, which I had completely forgotten about.
It irks me sometimes how much I forget about my past and the things that have happened both to me. I think it's a result of being worried all the time about appearances which has a way of diverting ones attention from the experience itself to the insecurities ones feels during that experience.
Whatever the reason, the ease at which I seem to forget my life pisses me off. It's as if, if I don't make a concerted effort to mark the moment, it vaporizes into the abyss. Even having just read a written account (by my own hand!) I still struggle to remember the details, only able to conjure up a vague recollection. Please! Somebody tell me their brain functions similarly so I don't think I'm losing my mind!
Anyway, I digress. I found this post about a compliment that I'd received, and started reading my old posts dating way back to 2007. It was before GC, when art and I were still hanging out on a regular basis. I was single, newly moved in to my first apartment, and generally feeling good about life.
Somewhere along the way, I jumped off the feeling good about myself boat. I lost direction and purpose. Of course in that time, I met GC, which has been a wonderful whirlwind of falling in love, getting married, and starting our life together, but on a deep, personal level, apart from GC and our relationship, I found myself floating in a sea of indecision, my creativity and inspiration gone to seed, and my true self only a whisper of what it had been.
I'm hard on myself, we all know that. I focus on areas of improvement. I don't forgive myself small missteps, remembering only where I thought I was lacking, rarely recognizing all the great things I do. At least, that has been my mindset of late.
Looking back on that post however, I saw a firm example of the strengths and qualities of my character. I read the words of a confident, happy woman, constantly striving to see the joy and beauty in life's ups and downs. She was a woman with a voice, well articulated and on occasion, funny, who was able to look at the cards life had dealt her with quiet wisdom and perspective. She clearly expected a great deal of herself, but indeed, took on life's challenges with a joyful heart.
I want her back, the girl who was just starting to feel good about herself. And you know what? I'll get her back. No, in fact, I'll get the updated 27 year old model, now a married woman, but again, a woman with great heart and joy to share with this world. She'll make art, and smile more. She'll forgive herself the imperfections inherent in every human, because on the whole, she's great, and she tries damn hard.
She'll learn to love how she loves, deeply and sensitively, instead of viewing it as a character flaw. She'll stand up for herself, and take with stride things that might hurt her, not putting up walls, but processing and then releasing back to the world. She'll have courage and will trust in her ability to make good decisions. She'll see the value she brings to this world. She'll care less about trying to be a certain way, but will instead, be herself, the only perfect version of Trina that can exist.
All these things, I will discover. It may take me a while, but I'll get there. And because I probably won't remember some of the milestones, you'll have to put up with my verbose personal history and discovery here. Seriously, someone needs to remember this shit, something tells me it might be important. :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The Ritual
Last night, GC and I had boatloads we hoped to accomplish. I got home late, did a little sewing before hubs got home, and then headed to the kitchen to start getting dinner ready. When GC arrived, it was about 6:15.
It's become a ritual of ours to have a quick chat when he gets home. I ask, "Want to go sit?" He proceeds to look at the couch, ponder for a few seconds, and then say," Yeah, sure." It's the same every time. Once comfortably seated, GC usually unloads about the day's stresses. I lean into his chest, listening, and enjoy the warmth of his body and the mellow scent of his deodorant as he wraps his arm around my shoulders.
Generally speaking, GC's life at work tends more toward the dramatic than mine. In part, it's the differences in our industries (food service vs. graphic design), but also just the nature of our positions. Rarely am I the one dominating our evening conversations. Not because I don't have things to say but because I am less inclined to unload.
For all those out there that think women are the always the talkers... throw your stereotypes out the window. By far, GC is the talker in our relationship. The only time I tend to talk more is when we're having a discussion about our "feelings". Call it being a girl, or the fact that it's more socially acceptable for women to express their emotions than men, but there has never been a feeling I didn't try to articulate with the spoken word. A person of reasonable vocabulary, even I cannot fully convey some of them.
All that said, last night was no different. GC arrive. I asked. He pondered. We sat. He talked. I listened. And then I broke protocol. I let him finish, allowing us the moment to sit together quietly, then I began. I laid out a plan for the future, what I wanted my life to look like, how I thought our mutual goals and desires could be fulfilled within the framework. He listened. I talked. And then he responded.
Not because I ever thought he'd squash my dreams, but more because I am constantly and consistently seeking the approval of others, I worried my plan wouldn't be good enough, that he'd find flaws, and reasons I shouldn't forge ahead. I couldn't have been more wrong in my assessment of his reaction. More or less, the message was, "Let's make it work."
I can't tell you the relief and rush of enthusiasm I felt to have been so wholly embraced. It was great. GC is a fantastic man, and I feel incredibly blessed to have him as my partner in this world. Yesterday, was one of the first married moments where I felt very much that we were in it together, supporting each others hopes and dreams.
So you're probably wondering, what's this great plan? Well, as things progress, I'll keep you up to date on my adventures. I can say that nothing is changing immediately. The long term plan revolves around finding some of the happiness I've been missing of late, and beginning a journey of more meaningful contribution. Vague, right? Don't worry, you'll find out in due time. Let's just say I'm pretty stoked, and genuinely bolstered at the thought of moving ahead in a new, positive direction.
Be well.
It's become a ritual of ours to have a quick chat when he gets home. I ask, "Want to go sit?" He proceeds to look at the couch, ponder for a few seconds, and then say," Yeah, sure." It's the same every time. Once comfortably seated, GC usually unloads about the day's stresses. I lean into his chest, listening, and enjoy the warmth of his body and the mellow scent of his deodorant as he wraps his arm around my shoulders.
Generally speaking, GC's life at work tends more toward the dramatic than mine. In part, it's the differences in our industries (food service vs. graphic design), but also just the nature of our positions. Rarely am I the one dominating our evening conversations. Not because I don't have things to say but because I am less inclined to unload.
For all those out there that think women are the always the talkers... throw your stereotypes out the window. By far, GC is the talker in our relationship. The only time I tend to talk more is when we're having a discussion about our "feelings". Call it being a girl, or the fact that it's more socially acceptable for women to express their emotions than men, but there has never been a feeling I didn't try to articulate with the spoken word. A person of reasonable vocabulary, even I cannot fully convey some of them.
All that said, last night was no different. GC arrive. I asked. He pondered. We sat. He talked. I listened. And then I broke protocol. I let him finish, allowing us the moment to sit together quietly, then I began. I laid out a plan for the future, what I wanted my life to look like, how I thought our mutual goals and desires could be fulfilled within the framework. He listened. I talked. And then he responded.
Not because I ever thought he'd squash my dreams, but more because I am constantly and consistently seeking the approval of others, I worried my plan wouldn't be good enough, that he'd find flaws, and reasons I shouldn't forge ahead. I couldn't have been more wrong in my assessment of his reaction. More or less, the message was, "Let's make it work."
I can't tell you the relief and rush of enthusiasm I felt to have been so wholly embraced. It was great. GC is a fantastic man, and I feel incredibly blessed to have him as my partner in this world. Yesterday, was one of the first married moments where I felt very much that we were in it together, supporting each others hopes and dreams.
So you're probably wondering, what's this great plan? Well, as things progress, I'll keep you up to date on my adventures. I can say that nothing is changing immediately. The long term plan revolves around finding some of the happiness I've been missing of late, and beginning a journey of more meaningful contribution. Vague, right? Don't worry, you'll find out in due time. Let's just say I'm pretty stoked, and genuinely bolstered at the thought of moving ahead in a new, positive direction.
Be well.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Happy thought #9
A taurus through and through, I find my rest in the simple pleasures of this world; nature, friends, evening libations, a comfortable bed. My morning drive is no exception. Drained from the daily road warrior commute on the interstate (though all things considered its practically bucolic compared to the commutes of some through smog-laden urban landscapes) I decided to change my route. I now take old "interstate" 9, a winding road that could literally take you from NYC to Canada if you had 20 hours.
In my little stretch, it is dotted with farm houses, a highway on ramp, some llamas, and the little houses that cropped up from the 40's to the 80's when Lake George was still a hot spot for summer tourists. It's all the things to be loved and loathed about upstate NY. There's the odd trailer park and junk yard, but there are also winding roads amid rolling farmland, green and lush, oozing with summer and the hum of bugs. To ride that route without your windows down is a travesty.
Sure, it takes a few minutes longer. There are a stop lights and depending on the time of day you drive it, a myriad of school buses make frequent stops for little feet scurrying from road's edge until hidden behind bus doors twice their size.
But instead of rushing past, hustling from one place to the next to the next, I pause and appreciate. I notice the cute green house with yellow trim that I imagine myself living in when I'm old and gray. I have time to miss the deer or the squirrel that darts across the road. I make note everyday of the glass shop with its Harold and Maude-esque glass and wrought iron kitschy exterior. Its a journey that feeds the artist and romantic in me.
Some people remember events historically, time-centered in their recollections. Others pair the flavors and scents of a meal with their emotional history. Me? I notice the forgotten details, the subtle footprint of something loved and cared for. It's all over the road. For each day I travel, there is a new detail to notice.
So my happy thought today? The warm, humid breeze hitting my face through the car window, bursting with summer smells. The Glass Shop, and the purple and olive light reflecting off its windows. The two little kids who hopped out of their mom's car and into the waiting school bus. The chartreuse/lime/moss-hued glow of the trees as the sun shone through them. The ride.
In my little stretch, it is dotted with farm houses, a highway on ramp, some llamas, and the little houses that cropped up from the 40's to the 80's when Lake George was still a hot spot for summer tourists. It's all the things to be loved and loathed about upstate NY. There's the odd trailer park and junk yard, but there are also winding roads amid rolling farmland, green and lush, oozing with summer and the hum of bugs. To ride that route without your windows down is a travesty.
Sure, it takes a few minutes longer. There are a stop lights and depending on the time of day you drive it, a myriad of school buses make frequent stops for little feet scurrying from road's edge until hidden behind bus doors twice their size.
But instead of rushing past, hustling from one place to the next to the next, I pause and appreciate. I notice the cute green house with yellow trim that I imagine myself living in when I'm old and gray. I have time to miss the deer or the squirrel that darts across the road. I make note everyday of the glass shop with its Harold and Maude-esque glass and wrought iron kitschy exterior. Its a journey that feeds the artist and romantic in me.
Some people remember events historically, time-centered in their recollections. Others pair the flavors and scents of a meal with their emotional history. Me? I notice the forgotten details, the subtle footprint of something loved and cared for. It's all over the road. For each day I travel, there is a new detail to notice.
So my happy thought today? The warm, humid breeze hitting my face through the car window, bursting with summer smells. The Glass Shop, and the purple and olive light reflecting off its windows. The two little kids who hopped out of their mom's car and into the waiting school bus. The chartreuse/lime/moss-hued glow of the trees as the sun shone through them. The ride.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Perfect, beautiful.
Last weekend I did a whirlwind road trip to Virginia for the wedding of one of my nearest and dearest friends, Molly. Molly met Rob about 5 years ago in Boston, shortly after moving to Bean Town to work for Americore. As one of those people who inspires you to do better, Molly teaches you to love more, dance more, laugh more, and care more. Kindness exudes from her very being, a fact which anyone who has met her, can't deny.
I am incredibly honored to call her my friend, and felt blessed last week to have been given the gift of watching her marry Rob, a person whose spirit, if possible, echos Molly's in a way it seems only fate could have arranged.
To see them together, you can't help but feel the love between them. So full of joy each was say, "I pick you, forever." It reminded me of all I could be doing to show GC how much I love him. To remind him daily of the place he holds in my heart, and to cherish the gift he has given me of his heart.
Thank you Molly, for the wonderful inspiration you are in my life. I wish you and Rob happiness and joy in your new life together. It's a blessed life to journey through its ups and downs beside the one you love. Congratulations, I couldn't be happier for you :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Happy Thought #8
That old saying, "The sun will come out tomorrow?" Turns out it's often true. Embracing the sunshine today, and the thought of new possibilities. Oh and I forgot to mention, completely inspired by this book!
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