Digging through the depths of my email (god bless gmail and its "forever" archive), I found an old blog post I wrote about getting a compliment, a compliment mind you, which I had completely forgotten about.
It irks me sometimes how much I forget about my past and the things that have happened both to me. I think it's a result of being worried all the time about appearances which has a way of diverting ones attention from the experience itself to the insecurities ones feels during that experience.
Whatever the reason, the ease at which I seem to forget my life pisses me off. It's as if, if I don't make a concerted effort to mark the moment, it vaporizes into the abyss. Even having just read a written account (by my own hand!) I still struggle to remember the details, only able to conjure up a vague recollection. Please! Somebody tell me their brain functions similarly so I don't think I'm losing my mind!
Anyway, I digress. I found this post about a compliment that I'd received, and started reading my old posts dating way back to 2007. It was before GC, when art and I were still hanging out on a regular basis. I was single, newly moved in to my first apartment, and generally feeling good about life.
Somewhere along the way, I jumped off the feeling good about myself boat. I lost direction and purpose. Of course in that time, I met GC, which has been a wonderful whirlwind of falling in love, getting married, and starting our life together, but on a deep, personal level, apart from GC and our relationship, I found myself floating in a sea of indecision, my creativity and inspiration gone to seed, and my true self only a whisper of what it had been.
I'm hard on myself, we all know that. I focus on areas of improvement. I don't forgive myself small missteps, remembering only where I thought I was lacking, rarely recognizing all the great things I do. At least, that has been my mindset of late.
Looking back on that post however, I saw a firm example of the strengths and qualities of my character. I read the words of a confident, happy woman, constantly striving to see the joy and beauty in life's ups and downs. She was a woman with a voice, well articulated and on occasion, funny, who was able to look at the cards life had dealt her with quiet wisdom and perspective. She clearly expected a great deal of herself, but indeed, took on life's challenges with a joyful heart.
I want her back, the girl who was just starting to feel good about herself. And you know what? I'll get her back. No, in fact, I'll get the updated 27 year old model, now a married woman, but again, a woman with great heart and joy to share with this world. She'll make art, and smile more. She'll forgive herself the imperfections inherent in every human, because on the whole, she's great, and she tries damn hard.
She'll learn to love how she loves, deeply and sensitively, instead of viewing it as a character flaw. She'll stand up for herself, and take with stride things that might hurt her, not putting up walls, but processing and then releasing back to the world. She'll have courage and will trust in her ability to make good decisions. She'll see the value she brings to this world. She'll care less about trying to be a certain way, but will instead, be herself, the only perfect version of Trina that can exist.
All these things, I will discover. It may take me a while, but I'll get there. And because I probably won't remember some of the milestones, you'll have to put up with my verbose personal history and discovery here. Seriously, someone needs to remember this shit, something tells me it might be important. :)
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