28

I turned 28 a few days ago. For some reason, this birthday has always seemed like a big one in my mind. As a tweeny, 28 seemed so mature and cool. Women who were 28 totally had it together, they were in great jobs, with great guys, pretty, confident, and totally in control of their lives (clearly Cosmopolitan should be banned as a publication, so wretchedly does it distort the young, impressionable minds of 13 year olds!).

For obvious reasons, I've been kind of nervous about reaching this self-imposed culmination of my youth. I'm still not in the job I want to be in (though am actively working toward it), I do have a great guy, but the other stuff, the totally together and in control of my life, the size 6 pants and cut abs, the witty conversation and charming yet never over the top humor? Yeah, that doesn't feel quite so real.


Honestly, it's all rather depressing when you look at it like that and being somewhat prone to wallowing, I could have fallen right into that dark rabbit hole. Fortunately, about 4 days before my birthday, I decided to do some yoga at home, all by myself. My mantra was one of no judgement. This practice was just for me. I could leave all the pressure to be (whatever for whomever) at the edge of the mat. It was a short, sweet little 30 minutes, and though at times the urge to do something well or be excellent at a pose crept in as if someone was watching me, judging my performance, I just gently nudged it back out, and started a new pose. I didn't push myself, or criticize myself. I just tried to be. And that's when it started, this sort of dim light blub slash mini break through.

Anyone that knows me knows I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to do the best I possibly can I at everything I endeavor to try, but in this one small moment of "being" I let fall a giant weight that usually resides on my spirit. The next day, I did the same thing and it was a little easier. Inspired, the following day, I went for a swim, and I as I glided through the water, trying to ignore any desires to race the person in the next lane, the endorphins started to kick in and so veered my thoughts to all the great things I could accomplish in my 28th year and beyond.

It started with deciding I wanted to be the change I wished to see in the world, only on a micro-scale. If I want to be happy and confident in my life, sure of myself and at peace with who I am, I need to start by finding that in myself. No amount of self-imposed pressure or people pleasing will create a happy person. So far as my experience can tell, it only serves to stress me out. So I've decided from here on out, striving to be my true self, regardless of what people might think of me.

That means I like things like books and the Lord of the Rings, I have a deep need for balance, for occasional solitude, for art, for time to make good food, for having a million ideas about how I am going to change the world. It means I say dorky things sometimes and laugh at stupid jokes, often pun-related. It means I'm clumsy, but remarkably talented at the quick recovery. It means things like "mingling" and "cocktail hour" make me really nervous, but I try to go anyway. It means I really stink at calling people back, texting, or communicating via electronic gadget period. Face to face, I'm a rock star. It means I'm sensitive, and that I get hurt a lot because my tender heart just won't seem to toughen up, but that I am also compassionate and full of love for pretty much everyone, even the horrible people in the world because heck, 9 times out of 10, you don't turn that horrible without having a pretty f'd up story of your own.It means I have high standards for myself and everyone around me, but that I am also fast to forgive, support, encourage and cheer on those that I love.

I could go on and on, and for myself, I think it will be a great exercise to put all that stuff on paper, just for my own reference when the shadows beckon. But long story short, I am realizing I don't need to be anything except exactly what I am, evolving, certainly, but perfect in all my imperfections. As my mom says often, I fill the Trina-sized hole in this world, and no one can fill it better than I can, so I might as well start believing it!

So 28, bring it on, I'll show you what it takes to rock this year.

Much love,
t